Chapter
5.01
Wednesday, May 15th, 2002
Buffy followed the sound of the voices through
the indistinct, yet somehow barren landscape. Every step seemed
to be a tremendous effort. Her body was almost paralysed with
fear, and yet the emotion was not her own. She could make out
six or seven distinct voices. Four were cruel and taunting. One
seemed to be filled with sadness. One alternately screamed in
pain and pleaded for mercy. One seemed mostly neutral with a side
order of curious, as if the person he addressed were some soap
opera character, who had acted against expectation and he wanted
to know how things were going to turn out.
"You killed me for her, but you'll die alone,"
Drusilla taunted.
"She can't love you. She told you what she
really thinks." This voice was Spike's own, the slightest
lisp telling her that he was in game face.
"You don't have a soul. There's nothing
good or clean in you." Her own voice, each word accompanied
by the sound of flesh hitting flesh, provided counterpoint before
the vampire continued. Buffy forced her feet on, but always the
voices seemed to come from just around the next corner or just
over the next rise.
"You might have her fooled for now, but
what happens when she sees what you're like inside? When she sees
into the darkest corners of your mind? When she sees how much
you want to make him scream."
"It's no more than he deserves. He betrayed
her. He's a danger to both her and her sister." This was
the sad voice, the accent not unlike Giles' but the voice so much
softer.
"All true, boy." An Irish brogue. "But
they're not the only reasons you want to kill him. You want to
hurt him because he was there before you. Because she cried out
beneath him as he spilled warm seed inside her. Because she never
flinched away from his touch as if it would defile her or tried
to hide him away from her friends. Because she took him home to
Joyce. One up on even me, but then you always were a mother's
boy, weren't you, William."
"If you can't both learn all the
bad as well as all the good and love each other still then all
you're left with is a world of pain." This was Lorne, though
why he should be there Buffy had no idea.
"Do you think your broken dolly can love
you?" the vampiress taunted. "No one ever really loved
you. Not even your mum."
"That's right, Dru. What was it you told
me she said. Should've bashed his useless brains out as soon as
he slithered down her leg and spared herself the agony of puttin'
up with him for twenty odd years. Didn't think I knew about that,
did ya?"
"Naughty daddy. You said you wouldn't tell."
"You should have known Dru would hear every
word, whether she was in the room or not, and she knows how much
I appreciate a good joke. Come on. How pathetic d'ya have to be
t' want to share yer eternal existence with yer poor old mum?
I mean, killin' them's one thing. Turnin' them.
That's just too much, or maybe you did want to get back under
her skirts? Didn't she say that, as well? You got a taste of Dru
and it made you wonder what yer dear old mum had been hidin' under
her petticoats? D'you still keep her picture? Oh, dear, tomb go
boom, to use the local vernacular. That didn't help the squaddie's
case any either, did it? Looked a mite like Joycie, didn't she?
Until you staked her?
Look at her." Buffy became aware, once more,
of the sound of flesh on flesh. Somewhere in the background, her
voice told Spike that she would never be his girl. "A few
years and I reckon you'll finally near enough get yer wish. If
ya can keep her that is. The nose is different and the eyes aren't
blue, but she'll look close enough in the dark, don't you think?
Specially if she grows back those curls ya liked so much. I kinda
liked it when she was on top. 'Course she didn't have the practice
then that she has now, but then you don't look to be havin' so
great a time. Nearly did for ya, then. Good job ya'd bought that
phone so ya' could ring yer wrinkly Samaritan. Or was it? Wouldn't
she have been better off if ya'd just had the decency to stay
put till sunrise? Anyway, where was I? Practice. You saw to that.
Taught her things as would've made a Whitechapel hoor blush back
in the day. Just like you wanted to teach yer dear old mum, huh?"
"It wasn't like that."
"It wasn't like that. or you just don't
want to admit even to yourself it was like that? Why would she
lie? She knew you. She listened to your drivel and she knew it
was like that. She knew what you wanted."
"That thing wasn't my mother."
"And you're not William and I'm not Liam,
I suppose? Is that what you tell yourself? No, William, that was
your mother and you killed her twice over.
Even if she could accept what you want to do
to Soldier Boy, she'll never love you when she finds out about
that. Not even the old bat could love you, so why should she?"
For seconds silence reigned, as if Spike or William
had nothing more to say in his own defence.
"Stop it!" The voice was almost a whimper.
"You can't do this. I'm human."
"Wouldn't give a damn if you were a bloody
panda bear in disguise, mate. You're goin' to tell me everythin'."
"The chip."
"I'n't there no more. And even if it was
this is just a dream."
"Buffy'll kill you for this. It's who she
is. She kills scum like you who harm humans."
"That's as may be. But I'll find out who's
behind all this and see them in their grave first. And that hang
up you have 'bout bein' human? Wouldn't that require a heartbeat?
Always said you weren't all that bright. It makes the torturin'
so much easier when you know you don't have to sweat whether they're
goin' to die or not. Who knows maybe if I get bored I can use
that plastic stake you liked so much."
"You're an animal. You think she'll ever
love you when she sees what you're capable of."
"Least I'm doin' it to keep her safe. An'
even if I lose her because of it. that's a price I'll pay."
There was the slightest tremor in the older vampire's voice and
Buffy was frozen in place. The sense of terror was so strong.
"The most terrifying thing he's ever done
is let himself hope that you could love him." The gentle
clamour of ice-cubes against glass brought Buffy's head around
and she found Lorne standing next to her, drink in hand.
"I do."
"Do you?" the anagogic demon asked.
"Can you say you love him, even though he's hidden so much
of what he is from you? Can you see the worst there is to see
and not have it change how you feel about him? He doesn't think
so. He thinks he's already lost you."
"I don't know what else there is to know,
but I've come to terms with what I know of his past."
"That's not what he's worried about. Not
really."
"So what is he worried about?"
"He looks like a man. For you, he's made
himself act like a man, but he'll never think like a man."
"I know that."
"He'd kill that ex of yours and sleep better
at night for it, if it wasn't for your feelings. He doesn't care
whether he's up against humans or demons, well, other than in
terms of whether they're a challenge or not. He doesn't care about
good or evil, or whether the people you're up against are just
misguided. For him there are only two sides in any argument; "us"
meaning anyone he cares about, and "them" meaning anyone
that in any way threatens the "us"es."
"And? There are plenty of men who think
that way too."
"And he believes that when you see who he
truly is, once you truly experience how he feels no remorse for
anyone who stands in his way, that you'll turn away from him."
"I can't promise unconditionally that I
won't. That doesn't mean that the reasons I fell in love with
him just cease to exist."
Lorne shrugged and took another sip of his drink.
"Every time you've made a choice you've chosen humans over
him. And yet, it's not in his nature to let this thing go. They
took away his identity, made him feel violated and it's been eating
away at his soul for years."
"He does—"
"Can it, sugar. You can't tell me that guy
could love you the way he does without a soul. Maybe it's not
the same as a human soul, but I thought you were starting to see
past the whole Humans First party line. You think having a soul's
so great, then take a look over there." As the demon nodded
of to his left and ahead of the pair, Buffy could see herself
straddling Spike as she beat his face into a pulp. Yet, her fists
were kinder than her words.
She had denied everything he had struggled so
hard to become, trying to break him back down until he was nothing
more than the unfeeling, loveless beast she had once thought him
to be. She had had to, because in the early hours of the morning
when she'd acknowledged her fears she'd known that she was no
longer capable of love. She'd often wondered whether her soul
had failed to make the return trip, if that was what was missing,
why Spike's chip didn't register her as human.
She had to believe that he was less than human,
that his feelings were of no worth, because otherwise the way
she'd treated him could never be forgiven.
And she'd been so wrong... about all of it.
Buffy set off at a run, but no matter how hard
she tried, the figures didn't seem to get any closer.
"You can't stop it." Lorne seemed to
amble along side her. "That memory is a part of him, and
whether you like the word or not, it's burned into his soul. That
is more real to him than you are."
"I have to stop it. It's wrong. She's wrong.
I was wrong."
"You know that. But a part of him will always
believe that you were simply treating him as he deserved. He believes
he's unlovable, that even when he was human his personality was
so inherently flawed that no woman could ever care for him."
"What about his mother? Before, Dru and
Angel were talking about her. Surely—"
"Not why I'm here, sweetcheeks. I'm not
really me you know, I'm not even really him, though he brought
me here in the first place. He's too busy tormenting himself to
be explaining things through me. I'm just your sounding board.
You want to find out about his past you're going to have to speak
to him."
"But I can't get to him. He's always just
out of reach."
"Then I guess you'll just have to hope he
wakes up, pumpkin."
"What do you mean hope? Why shouldn't he
wake up?"
"Don't tell me you're lying in his arms
and you can't tell he's terrified? Hell, even I don't need a tune
to tell me that."
"I can feel it. I can feel it stronger than
all my own emotions, but what's it got to do with waking up?"
"Sugar, you've seen what he's doing to himself?
Well, he'd rather stay here like this than wake up and have that
fear of losing you become reality."
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