Notes: Thanks go out to my two betas MadRog and t_geyer, without whom, no one other than me would be reading this.

Chapter 3.01
Wednesday, May 8th, 2002

It took Buffy a few minutes to realise that they weren't headed in the direction of the motel, but she decided to stay quiet and see where he took her. She scooted along the seat towards him and rested her head on his shoulder, her knees bent and her feet came to rest against the door. Soon she felt as if his shoulder bone was stabbing her in the ear. God but the guy was skinny, strike that, he was lean, lean and muscled and how she wanted to get to the body hidden under that coat, but she was so going to make him beg.

In the meantime she pulled his arm up and slid under it, twisting her body a quarter turn so that she leant back against his side letting his arm drop over her shoulder and lie on top of her front. Her head dropped back against his chest and she watched him as he drove. His arm bent so that it held her to him, firm as an iron bar just below her breasts.

"It really gets to you, that I used to be with Angel, doesn't it?"

"Bit," he admitted, his jaw clenching into knots.

"Why?"

"What sort of question's that. Why d'you bloody think, you stupid bint?"

"If I thought I knew I wouldn't be asking, would I, you.. you moronic . excuse for an undead fiend?"

"I'm supposed to be singing and dancing about the whole thing, do you a Dick van Dyck number from Mary soddin' Poppins, shall I?"

Suddenly Buffy was sitting back up in her seat. She had her back to the door as far away from him as possible. "No. I just want to know what aspect of the situation it is that bothers you. Is it because you're not the only guy I've been with or is it because it's Angel and you think I'm going to do a Dru and change my mind and go running back to him or is it something else entirely?"

"I don't know. You're a twenty-one-year-old woman and this is the twenty-first century. If you were a virgin you'd either be a bloody nun or pig ugly. If you were either of them, I don't think we'd be where we are now. Doesn't mean there isn't part of me that wishes things were different, but no, that's not really what bothers me.

What gets to me is that when you went in there alone, I was scared to death that the only reason you'd come out was to tell me its over. And yeah, that's partly 'cause of him and me and Dru 'n' him 'n' you. But it's because of what happened when Soldier Boy turned up as well and it's because part of me knows you're too bloody good for me.

Happy now?"

"Not yet, no. No, I'm not. I don't even know where to start with you." Buffy looked over at him and for a second she contemplated taking one of his cigarettes, seeing if it would steady her as they seemed to steady him on occasion. She'd thought that maybe they could have a rational discussion about this. Clear the air and end up in a better place, instead they'd gone from joyous reunion to screaming match in less than ten minutes.

Instead of going for the cigarette she poked him in the hip with the heel of her boot, hard enough to hurt if not to mark. He glanced away from the road long enough to snarl at her.

"You aren't the one who gets to judge whether you're good enough for me. I am. And if you've got some stupid notion that I'm up there on some pedestal that you can't touch you can forget it right now. We work together because even though we're so much the same, we're opposites in a lot of ways too. We balance each other. You feel like you're part man, part demon. I'm part woman, part slayer. We both have dark and light within us. It doesn't matter who's got more of each, together everything falls into place. Are you listening to me? Do you get that?"

The car swerved to the right as Spike pulled off the freeway.

"Are you going to answer me, or am I talking to myself here?" Buffy demanded.

"I heard you." Spike spat out his reply.

"Right, well, keep listening. I'm not Dru. I am not your damn precious Dark Princess. I'm my mother's daughter and I've got too much pride to let some guy walk out on me and then take him back. That's for starters.

And you are not an Angel substitute. You are not someone I'm making do with until he decides he wants me back. You couldn't be more different if you tried. D'you know why I was talking to Cordelia tonight about Wes instead of asking Angel. Because I don't have the patience to deal with Mr Mysterious any more. I'm too used to you and your big mouth telling me what's going on and making me face up to the truth to be bothered trying to wheedle what I want out of him.

Do you know what I realised tonight. If anyone was a substitute, it was him. Angel was the first guy I went out with after we moved to Sunnydale, after we moved away from the city my dad lived in. That's why he got to call all the shots. That's why I let this older, "wiser" guy give me advice and protect me. I wasn't looking for an equal to share my life with. I was looking for a father figure. Whatever spark there used to be between us, it's gone, on my side anyway. I didn't even realise it, but I went in there tonight looking for his approval."

The ground on either side of the road they were on levelled out and Spike pulled off the road and braked sharply making Buffy brace her arm against the dashboard to prevent her falling off the seat.

"I suspect you were disappointed then, love." Spike's voice still held a hint of anger, but it was obvious he was calmer than he had been.

"You might be surprised. He had plenty of objections, but when I asked him straight out if he'd rather I was marrying you or Riley he didn't even hesitate. So I guess things aren't as bad between you as you think they are."

Her voice began to lose its angry edge. "You still listening?"

"You have my full attention, pet." Spike's voice was almost back to normal.

"What happened with Riley coming back isn't going to happen again. I was still. dissociated. Still blocking out everything but being with you and even when I was with you I wouldn't admit even to myself what my feelings were. As a person I was in a bad place and as a couple we were in a bad place. We're past that and we're stronger now, don't you think?"

Spike raised his arm towards her, his fingers beckoning her over to him. "I don't think, I know."

Buffy slid back into her previous position under his arm. "So next time I have to go see Angel or Riley turns up, you're not going to get yourself in such a state, are you?" She looked up at him.

Spike's clear blue eyes looked back at her. "I think you could probably downgrade the situation from terrified to vaguely worried." A rueful smile tugged at the corner of his lips.

"And you're sure, the other thing doesn't bother you?" Buffy asked. Spike tried to work out why she suddenly looked so vulnerable.

"What other. no, Buffy, no. We have something special. I know I'm not your first, but that doesn't matter if I can be your best and maybe your last."

"I think it's safe to say that you would be a tough act to follow, and that as long as you're around I won't be having any auditions," Buffy reassured him, but her eyes still hadn't lost that look that said she was just waiting for him to hurt her.

"Something else is bothering you, pet. Tell me what it is." Spike coaxed the words from her, as his fingertips tried to smooth away the worry lines from her forehead.

"Do you think I'm a slut?" she asked in a trembling voice, tears gathering in the outer corners of her eyes.

"No! God no! What the hell's brought this on, pet? I've never thought that. If anything I've been more sure of it than you have. That's why I couldn't believe what happened the morning after in the house. Whatever you might have said I knew it wasn't in your nature to go in for meaningless sex. No matter what you said, I knew you wouldn't give yourself to someone you didn't have some feelings for. Why would you think I could think that?" The arm wrapped around her body held her even more tightly and his left hand stroked her hair trying to bolster his words of reassurance with actions. He would have kissed her but he was worried that would be counter-productive.

"A-Angel said you called me Slutty the Vampire Slayer, and some of the things we've done you wouldn't ask a "nice" girl to do them, or most of the places."

"Christ, pet. Do you know how long ago it was that I last spoke to the Poof before today? Back before I even got the chip, right after that bastard Parker. I doubt you'd even met Cardboard and I knew fine well that you'd been had by a first rate con artist and that it only worked because you were so damn innocent. I just wanted to get some of my own back on Peaches. It was just a lousy cheap shot. It wasn't even aimed at you. It was meant to hurt him.

And as far as what a nice girl will or won't do. I'll never think you're anything but a nice girl. What goes on between two consenting adults has nothing to do with whether she's a nice girl or not, just what happens to press their buttons, pet. No-one would ever say your mate Glinda's anything but good, but her and Red don't exactly have a conventional thing goin' on. You get my drift?"

"So you're not with the thinking I'm a great big ho?" Buffy gave him a weak half-smile.

"Never have, my love." He craned his neck to kiss her on the forehead. "Never will."

After a minute or two Spike put the car back into gear and pulled out onto the road. Buffy stayed in her position tucked in against him so she couldn't see where they were going very well, but she soon caught a salty tang in the air. A quarter of an hour later Spike pulled over and stopped the car.

"We're here, pet." Spike stroked her hair and when she still didn't move he brushed the back of one finger over her cheek.

"Comfy," mumbled the slayer.

"Plenty of time for comfy later, love." He turned on the radio and started flicking through the different stations, the old fashioned knobs making heavy clunking noises as he worked his way through them until the fifth or sixth attempt produced the distinctive voice of Louis Armstrong singing "What a Wonderful World". He turned up the volume. "Come dance with me, pet?"

Buffy struggled to sit up and take in her surroundings. By the time she'd worked out that they were in a parking lot at the coast about ten or fifteen miles from LA itself the passenger door was opened from the outside and Spike stood with his hand extended toward her. Even from the parking lot the view of the moonlit ocean, empty of any boats or people was beautiful.

She let herself melt into his arms and surrendered to the gravelly seduction of a long gone voice singing of sights, most of which her partner had only had one brief chance to glimpse in over a century. The song finished and segued into a slow instrumental she recognised as Glen Miller. He pulled back far enough as the song changed to make eye contact and lift that eyebrow, but when she buried her face back into his shoulder he swiftly relaxed and shuffled his feet in time to the music again. Uncaring of the occasional vehicles that passed on the road the pair danced in the pool of light cast by the DeSoto's interior light.

When the next song started, he kissed her on the top of her head and pulled away. "Not about to be seen in public dancin' to country and western, pet, even if it is Patsy Cline."

"And I thought this would be your theme tune," Buffy mocked.

"Har, bloody har. Not that "crazy"." His voice softened to the soft deep tone that gave her butterflies. "You're here with me." He reached into the backseat of the car, taking a spare packet of cigarettes from an open carton, then dropped the lock on the passenger door and slammed it shut. Walking round to the trunk, he opened it, pulling out a travel rug and the cooler that she was sure they had left in their motel room.

"I didn't think I spent that long talking to He Who Shall Not Be Named, but it was obviously long enough for you to plot some mischief." Buffy gave him a smile that was almost a grin.

"Just a quick drive back to the motel, a brief phone call and then a visit to an all-night convenience store. Still too busy at the motel for skinny-dipping, so I thought I'd bring you somewhere more private.

Fancy a moonlight stroll? Once we make it round the headland there, there's a nice secluded bay where you can't be seen from the road." He slung the blanket over his shoulder, picked up the cooler in his left hand and offered her his right.

"I take it you've been here before?" she asked as they made their way through the grassy dunes to the beach below.

Spike shrugged. "I don't get pissed every time we have a bust-up. Sometimes I take the bike out. Normally by the time I get this far I'm beginning to calm down a bit. That and the thought of getting any closer to Peaches normally makes me feel like heavin'." The last bit was added with a typical Spike smirk.

Buffy opened her mouth to ask something and then closed it again leaving the question unasked, not wanting to provoke a further outburst of temper from the volatile vampire. Spike, however, was too conscious of her every move to let the gesture pass unnoticed.

"Wha's up, pet?" he asked.

She squeezed his hand in response. "Nothing worth spoiling the mood, just. it'll wait."

"And if I promise I won't get upset?." He put down the cooler, dropping the blanket on top of it. Taking her into his arms he looked down into her dark eyes. "I know I've got a hell of a temper on me, but I don't want you to ever be scared to talk to me about anythin'."

Buffy sighed. "If I don't tell you now you're going to get upset, aren't you?"

Spike's words were gently teasing but underneath there was that layer of hurt caused by her past denials. "If I didn't know better I might think you thought I had real feelings."

Buffy picked up the travel rug, taking his hand again. "Okay, but we walk and talk and if you're uncomfortable about it you don't have to answer." She judged he'd rather at least part of her attention were distracted by trying to find her way, rather than focused on his every gesture.

Spike quickly lit another cigarette one-handed and slid the cooler's handle up his arm to his elbow before indicating he was ready to proceed. "Spit it out then, love. What's got you burnin' up with curiosity?"

Buffy bit her lip briefly before she said in a voice barely above a whisper. "Were you and Angel ever lovers?"

Spike took a deep draw on his cigarette and then exhaled impossibly slowly. "There isn't a simple yes or no answer to that one." His gaze flicked over her face, noting her eyes held curiosity but nothing more. He knew if he wanted, he could say nothing further on the matter and she wouldn't ask again, but he would have set up a barrier between them. A limit to how well he would let her know him, so he continued.

"Right, first off, if you're asking specifically about Angel as opposed to Angelus, then in every sense of the word the answer would be no. To answer the rest of it you need to understand a bit about what happens when vampires are made." He drew again from his cigarette, his eye seemingly focused on some distant spot as he worked out how to explain, what she needed to know. His accent automatically slipped to sound far more like Giles' as he delivered an explanation.

"Okay, ninety-nine percent of the time when a vampire makes a childe, an emotional bond is formed, but it's a one-way bond. It's intended to make the childe loyal to and dependent on their sire. If you have a group like the Scourge where several generations live together, then that bond will apply all the way back to the progenitor, though it will always be strongest between the childe and his sire." His gaze moved across her face briefly, ensuring that she wasn't either totally bored or lost.

"It's like a need to belong. You've lost your place in the world you used to live in and you need reassurance about where you belong in this new one. It is literally like being a child again. You have to learn how to function in a new body, a new society and if a childe's sire dies, or abandons them too early in the process they will almost certainly die."

`"So Angel needed Darla, Dru needed Angel and Darla and you needed all three?" Buffy asked.

"Got it in one, cutie." Spike smiled. "Now part of it is things like learning to hunt and stuff, which in my case ended up being almost entirely left to Angelus, with Dru being like she was. If I really had been Angelus' childe I doubt I'd have lasted more than a week, but that was where I was lucky. I was part of the one percent. Whether Dru just didn't know any better or whether she chose to do it that way, the bond in our case went both ways. So, if Angelus killed me, not only would he lose the body that was looking after Dru, but also Dru would most likely become less stable. She was only valuable to him because of the visions and if she was less lucid he won't be able to understand her. But I'm getting ahead of myself a bit."

"Anyway, as a new fledgling I had a need, and I mean need, not desire for all three. And that has to do with just being around them but mostly it's about approval and acceptance and one of the main ways that it's communicated is touch, closeness. You crave their touch, their attention even in any form they'll give it, including sex. And maybe in some twisted way you could say that need is a form of love."

Spike took a last pull on his cigarette before he sent it arcing across the sand.

"The thing is, from Angelus' point of view there is no bond between us, just an upstart fledgling who needs to learn who's boss." Spike swallowed before he continued. "Angelus likes to be surrounded by beautiful people, but what he likes more is to torture them and break them. He's a sadist and I don't mean a bite here and there, I mean enough pain to ensure even a vampire's going to have trouble healing. Since he's limited with Darla by what she wants, he compensates when he's with me and Dru." Buffy noticed that he'd slipped into the present tense, as if he were reliving those early days.

"Over time the need fades a bit, and you gain more self-control so that you don't have to give in to it. It won't stop an older male using rape as a means to demonstrate his dominance if he thinks you're challenging him, or as a punishment for whatever crime he decides that you've committed." He wanted to know just what Buffy was thinking, but he was too ashamed to even look, so he stared at his feet as he walked.

"Anyway by the time the pull of the bond started to wane in my case I loved Dru and even if it never overcame the Daddy thing, she loved me. So, when he notices that I stopped seeking him out he basically hurts Dru until I beg him to use me instead. He could make either of us do anything he wanted. You couldn't say it was rape, but it wasn't exactly consensual either.

So, yes we were physically intimate, but it wasn't a reciprocal arrangement. Were we ever lovers? No, I don't think so, I mean I felt something for him and underneath all the layers of bad feeling I guess I always will, but he never felt anything for me or anyone else. The judge said there was no humanity, no human feelings in Angelus. I was just a toy, a whore, a means to blackmail Dru."

"She still wouldn't leave him?" Buffy asked gently.

"She couldn't. Didn't have what it took to fight the bond. Didn't remember from one minute to the next why she should want to." Spike's voice was filled with resignation.

"Tonight, you and Angel, if Stephen hadn't interrupted.and he wouldn't cry uncle." Buffy left the question hanging.

"He would have. Given the choice of admitting you're beat or taking it up the arse in front of everyone you know. He was just stalling, playing chicken."

"Theoretically though, you could've got engaged to me one day and screwed my ex in front of me the next?"

"It was one of the possibilities." Spike conceded, looking far less sorry for himself at the reminder of his victory earlier in the evening.

"I don't suppose I'd be the first to tell you that the vampire social system is screwed up."

"Actually, you might be, but then not that many non-vamps know that much about it, and most of them wouldn't be discussing the subject with a vampire."

"Still not the best way to prove you intend to be faithful." Buffy teased.

"And if he thought that was how you would see it that would give him one reason to let me. But you understand that it wouldn't be about sex as such, don't you?"

"I know, I got the message," she admitted. "It's a power thing. Doesn't mean that I'm not pleased Stephen turned up when he did. Not that I wanted you to get knocked unconscious, but."

"But you've already laid your claim to the contents of my jeans?" Spike smirked.

"Pig.but, yeah. And don't you forget it." Buffy stole a glance at the object of her affection. "You know, I can't even begin to imagine what you've been through, but even a fraction. I'm not saying this very well. what you told Stephen about Angel. that he should go to him. It's a huge deal that you would do that after what Angelus did to you."

"Couldn't do anything else, pet. Kept wonderin' what woulda happened to Bit, if she'd just all of a sudden found herself in Sunnydale instead of havin' you and Joyce and all those fake memories. What the Poof wanted didn't come into it," he said shame-faced. "Was only thinkin' 'bout what was best for the boy. Kid's family after all.

Which reminds me. If he comes to the wedding make sure Peaches knows to keep him away from the Niblet. Don't want to have to kill the boy."

"You don't think they'd make a cute couple?" Buffy asked.

"I don't think I like the idea of the Niblet coming up to LA to visit him 'n' stayin' with Peaches in a hotel with god only knows how many empty rooms. An' the fact that the kid obviously gets his looks from his mother and has the whole supernatural abilities package. Think how much trouble Bit gets into in Sunnydale. Add him to the package and let them loose in LA, God knows what would happen."

"Relax, you're acting like it's a foregone conclusion, that if they meet that's it."

"Hmph. Think back a few years, pet. Imagine the kid in one of them stupid jackets they give to all the football team, like the one Bit's had hidden at the back of her closet since Halloween. Imagine the cheerleader got him some decent clothes and." Spike raised an eyebrow. "An' you show me a kid that age that doesn't think my Bit is gorgeous an' I'll show you a kid that's either bent or needs glasses. And she'd do it just to drive me round the bend and get even with you. It'd be, "you've got no room to talk you dated his dad and you're engaged to his nephew. At least Stephen's my age and he's not a vampire." Spike imitated the pouting tones of his favourite teenager. "And, don't forget all the prophecy child crap she'd be getting into. 'M not havin' it."

Buffy couldn't help the giggles that overcame her. "You are such a doof."

Spike smirked. "Don't care. Made you laugh. But she's still not going out with him. Those Aurelius men are nothing but trouble."

"All too aware of that little fact."

"Glad we're agreed then. While we're on, why don't we just settle it now that she can't date, full stop, till she's at least twenty-one." Spike was clearly no longer being entirely serious, but she pitied any boy who called at the house for Dawn, in future.

"You know, when she decides to start dating there's going to be nothing either of us can do to stop her because she'll just sneak out if we try. At least if we go along with it we might get to meet them."

Spike growled, but gave up. "Still don't have to like it," he muttered. He stopped walking and put down the cooler. Taking the blanket from Buffy he shifted the cooler to weigh down one end and then shrugged off his leather laying it so its weight held down one side. His boots came off next and he somehow managed to get his socks off at the same time so that he didn't get sand on them.

"Is this some vampire tradition for nude picnics I've not heard of before?" teased Buffy, still fully dressed.

"We could start one if you want, but I seem to recall something about you human types having to wait till after you swim to eat." By now the vampire's T-shirt also lay on top of the blanket and he was in the process of getting his jeans off over his feet.

Buffy's face reddened as she slid her coat from her shoulders, casting surreptitious glances at the vampire she was with. She wondered if his lack of concern about his nudity was in any way related to his lack of reflection, or if it was because he knew just how damn perfect he was. He bent over to pull something from his coat pocket and she recognised the scraps of material that made up her bikini. "Just in case you're feeling shy, pet."

"It's got a better chance of staying intact if I just skip it, I suspect."

"Probably." He gave her a grin and moved over to help her fumbling hands untie the knot in the front of her blouse. She could feel the wetness spread between her thighs just being this close, but then, Spike had been semi-erect by the time he got his jeans off. It was just the way they were together. In fact, she wasn't sure if she'd ever seen him entirely flaccid.

As if of their own volition, her hands started to move toward his dick, wanting to bring him to full arousal. Before they could get there he had undone the knot and was pushing the sheer fabric of her blouse down her arms, the cool touch of his fingertips sending shivers down her spine. Her breathing was already ragged and she wished she'd started throwing her clothes off when he did, so that she'd be spared this torture.

He knelt at her feet, letting her balance her weight on his shoulders as he removed her boots and socks. His hands slid around her to undo the zip at the back of her leather pants bringing his face flush with her stomach and he kissed her through the layer of leather before he slid both the pants and her briefs down in one motion. He threw the tangle of leather and lace to land in the middle of the blanket and as he rose to a standing position he trailed one hand along her inner thigh, letting his fingers stroke her wet folds without parting them. Even so, she was unable to help the hitch in her breath, and she could only watch as he lifted each damp finger individually to his lips and sucked them clean.

He caught the lower edges of her camisole and she lifted her arms as he raised them to allow the removal of this last barrier. She twined her arms around his neck, drawing his face down to hers in a desperate kiss. His hands slid down her back and first held each of the smooth lush cheeks of her ass and then glided to her inner thighs lifting her against him and parting her till she wrapped her legs around his hips and raised herself up to slide him into her. Without raising his lips from hers, he moaned from deep in his throat at the sensation of being engulfed in her wet fire.

Deciding swimming could wait, he let them fall over onto the blanket, catching himself on his elbows to avoid crushing her, but letting the impact drive him deeper into her. Buffy drew her mouth back from his gasping for air. He slowly bucked his hips, making the smallest possible movements within her. One hand reached down to spread her lips so that the grinding motion he introduced at the end of each stroke crushed her clit between their pelvic bones. Buffy could feel the tension in her stomach muscles building impossibly slowly, gentle tingling sensations spiralling out from her centre. His hands teased her breasts, stroking softly against their undersides. Fingertips traced patterns on her creamy mounds, untouched by the California sun, avoiding her nipples wanting to bring her to the edge as slowly as possible. Still, he couldn't resist the pull of his marks on her neck and he nuzzled against them, causing her to clench her inner muscles around him before she started to thrust her hips in time to his.

His hands left a trail of tiny hairs standing upright as they moved down to still her hips. "Shhh, pet. Relax. Just let it happen." His mouth moved away from the healing scars and he nibbled at her collarbone instead with blunt teeth, following up with languid open-mouthed kisses. His hands ran down the length of her arms until they found hers and wound their fingers together, the feel of the ring on her left hand filling his heart with pride and love. He looked down into her hazel eyes, seeing them reflect back the same feelings of love that showed in his. He couldn't look away, and their world narrowed to the look in the others eyes, the feel of fingers locked together and the sensations building where they moved against each other.

Spike's movements increased gradually in pace and fervour, but his eyes never left Buffy's, their love-making an act of worship on his part. This time, when her hips began to move beneath him he did nothing to stop her. It could have been seconds, minutes or hours later that Buffy felt herself begin to fall away. She felt herself break into a million pieces and watched them float off in slow motion. Spike let himself go as he felt her muscles trembling around him, exploding inside her as she finally closed her eyes and moaned her pet form of his given name. Just as she thought she was entering the period of post-coital calm, his mouth dropped to the claim mark and the pressure of his blunt teeth on the wounds brought on another round of quaking helplessness.

Still sheathed inside her, he slid his hands from hers and wrapping his arms around her, rolled them both over so that she lay on top of him, pulling his coat over them to keep the wind from chilling her fevered body. She tucked her head under his chin, resting against his shoulder and tired from a day of hectic activity they both dozed off lulled by the rhythmic sound of the ocean waves.